Kingdom of Doom

Hello Sheeple! It's been a while.


The last four months have consisted mainly of learning how to teach. Which, like everything on the world, is a skill, that takes practice. It has taken quite a lot of time to get used to the post-teaching stress headaches. And also. Wow. I have a massive appreciation for well organised unit co-ordinators who take pride in their work. And finally, annoying students are annoying, in an eye watering, wall punching, head splitting kinda way.
So a brand new issue has come up for me. Above and beyond the usual weirdness that has tenancy in my headspace.
I'm going to get a breast reduction.
Why?
None of your fucking business.
No, this is the internet, and I am allowed to take up space on the internet to talk about myself, so I fucking will.
There are a number of reasons.

1. Pain. Lots of pain, all the time. I'm had a frozen left scapula for 3 years now, and I think it is being of bra straps pinching the nerve. I wake up with numb fingers. Sometime just breathing hurts. They're really really heavy.
2. Mobility. I haven't run since I was 14. I usually blame my flat feet, but there is a severe discomfort to having the front half of you trying to rip off with gravity.
3. Self Consciousness. I don't like contoured bras because they make you look bigger. But without them, nipples, especially downward pointing nipples, are an issue. Now anyone who knows me, knows that I generally don't give a shit about what other people think. But what other people that ACTUALLY DOES MATTER. I hate that it does, and I fight against it... which leads me it...
4. Increasing Privilege. I'm super sick of being overlooked. It makes me completely nauseous, that I bust a gut for an organisation for 18 months before I get a public acknowledgement. I go above and beyond, I work my ass off, I raise everyone's profile except my own. I don't blame my breasts for making me so invisible, I also blame my non-whiteness, and my refusal to adhere to normative beauty standards. But I am sure that it is part of it.
5. Clothes. I am really tired of trying things on and not being able to breath. Tailored clothes are expensive. Big breasted clothes are fucking ugly.
6. Gender. I am aware that my tolerance of my breasts until this point has been directly linked to the fact that they give me value as a woman. But my value as a woman is reduces on a daily basis with my advancing age. Hence this concept really needs to be discarded, and I intend that with it will go the six or so kilos of fat on my chest.

There you go. The reasons why a woman would reduce breast size. There are dilemmas though. And they've hit me like a truck today.

1. Is this an anti-woman thing to do? Is it the product of internalised misogyny? Do I hate aspects of my body because they're more feminine?
2. How small do I go? Do I go all out and get a double mastectomy? If I don't get the double mastectomy, then aren't I doing this for purely aesthetic reasons? Am I a hypocrite if I don't get a double mastectomy?
3. Can I get cosmetic surgery and still me a feminist?

Big questions.

I'm going to brew for a while, and I'm sure I will come up with some answers. I think perhaps after a nap.

(Also, I'm 36 in 7 days. Late thirties. I've been in my dirty thirties for 6 years, and had sex about four times in total. I'm pathetic. I haven't hit any of the milestones of the people I schooled with, or anyone I know really who is my age. And all I want to do is hide and stare at the ocean.)