November Has Come

I had an experience recently and I want to record it, and share it, and be damn proud of myself for a change.

At the end of July I went on a date with a guy I'd met via a website a month earlier.  We'd been texting for a while.  He accidentally sent me a link to a conspiracy theory page and the next thing we're in a nerd off before we'd even met.  Promising.  Good conversation was going to flow.  It did.

We met for a drink.  He marvelled at my chai whiskey creation and we talked non-stop for several hours.  We even high fived each other for having an awesome first date.

And good lord is he hot, better looking than I expected.  Like ridiculously good looking.  He has a bottom lip I could spend hours, even days, gently nibbling or sucking on, despite the Ned Kelly beard.  Such a cute lip.  Such a lovely shade of pink.

Those who know me, know I have a thing for unusual noses.  I don't know why but I like a prominent and strong beak.  His is wide and long, like an overgrown mushroom.  And those of you who know my nose theory, he had another wide and long quality...

So I hit the aesthetically pleasing jackpot!  About time.

But then, he's clever, and funny, and sarcastic, and geeky.  I swoon, this is not good.  I've been dating to keep in practice while I get over my little broken heart.  I'm here to not fall in love but to hang out and maintain my dazzling charm.

But he's my exact Myers-Briggs opposite, and he knows what that is!

Then I realise he's also my equal, a good job, pays well, we both have mortgages.  Finally someone who is good on paper.  Mum and Dad will be proud.

Holy shit Jax, do not fall for this guy...

Just one catch...

He's about to be divorced and has a two year old son.

That's not a big problem for me.  I'm 34 and I accept we have lived long enough for these things to have happened in life.  One of my younger former colleagues is now twice divorced.  Like it's no big deal right?

It's a problem for him.  He's heartbroken and from what I can infer, he's playing the field.

Why shouldn't he?  I would.  I have.  I did.

He enjoyed my company, and I his.  I decided to leave it at that.  Then I realised I'd left very expensive headphones at his far eastern suburban home.  I'd have to see him again.

And I was going to have fun doing it.

We had our last date on a Friday night, still getting to know each other, I could see him surprised (gladly) by my little quirks that were so similar to his.  He said after dinner, "I wish I had floss on me."  I reached into my bag and rummaged around before announcing I'd left it at home.  The man stopped dead in his tracks, "you carry around floss too?"

It was a cute moment.  I'd already made up mind, it was over, whether it was days or weeks, we're not going anywhere.  The dude is too fucked up.  A shame but what do you do?

Early Saturday morning, as he left he told me he couldn't wait to see me again.  I smiled and said see ya later.  He was on his way to pick up his kid, any of the romance we'd shared would dissipate while he was chasing his child around a park.

Saturday night, late, while I was on a date, (I kept my options open. We had no exclusivity agreement) I received a text;

Hi jax (sic),
I am in a bit of a weird place... I had a big fucking fight with my ex today... and I don't really feel right about seeing anyone.
I had an amazing time with you but I'm a bit too much of a mess at the moment I think. :(
I don't know what to say. I've been having panic attacks about accidental pregnancy and I'm worried about my son and more fighting with my ex and I'm just a bit freaked. I'm really sorry to drop this on you so suddenly. Like wtf Graeme* I know. My life has a bit too much drama and I don't want to drag anyone else into it. Fucking blah. Everything might be different in a few weeks but for now I need to try and sort some of this drama out.

*Name changed, of course.  I'm not a bitch and this isn't about him being a dick, because he's not being a dick.

My reply, because on Viber people see when you read messages, so I thought I'd best reply;

Hey dude I'm out at the moment. I'm ok I'll respond more coherently tomorrow. I know what you mean.

Who's a damn ace chick?  Me!

So what does he say?

Thank you xx

Yeah, that's right.  Double x me.

And then I wrote the full reply, this is the part where I'm proud of myself, because I'm rare.  I have epic amounts of empathy in me.  This is why I'm single?  Nah.

Prepare thyself for the coherent response.

What you're going through is a big life event. Divorce, it's right up there with birth, deaths & marriages, although I don't think it's given the same level of respect. It should be. I understand the disbelief you must feel at the betrayal done to you. I remember the first time my heart was broken, really broken. The emotional pain was so strong that I felt it physically; a knife twisting in my chest, hands wrapped around my throat & constant nausea. It'll sound conceited but I was so shocked that someone could toss me aside. Like I'm the one who does the breaking. I'm the awesome, amazing 'catch' in this equation. This isn't meant to offend but I see that same level of narcissism in you. You must have been horrified that your partner chose someone else. That's the wrong choice! How could anyone compare to you? To love oneself is a good thing! I haven't known you long but this is what I see.

A broken heart is a difficult thing to overcome, it can take months or years. For me it took years. I realised something this year that helps. It may sound silly but here it is...there's no such thing as a failed relationship,  instead it's another life experience & with each experience comes a lesson. Once I figure out what my lesson is I can really start to heal and move on. E.g. it took me 4 years to get over someone because the lesson wasn't clear until I realised that it was me holding myself back, not letting anyone know the real me and not letting myself accept his feelings for me. With my recent ex I was 100% me all the time & he loved me for me. It wasn't my fault we broke up, it was his. The lesson I learnt there is that I attract and am attracted to mental health issues! I gotta break the cycle cos I'm enough crazy for 2 :P

You'll figure out your lesson, add it to your timeline (he's into timelines) and move on. Be patient it will happen. In the meantime you have a beautiful son. Sometimes it may feel like a curse because you can't completely break free but he is a gift you're blessed to have.

When I saw you in your home I could see what you're doing. You were with one person for a long time from a young age. Now is the time to rack up the notches on your bedpost. I know dude I've done it myself. It's not going to make the pain go away but it's fun to get it out of your system!

Yes I know I've written an essay here and it's an odd thing for a woman you hardly know to do but I feel like I have to give this to you, that you need it. We may never cross paths again & that's fine.  Sometimes these friendships are mean to be short but intense. I do like seeing you and I enjoy your company. I'm an easy going and empathetic chick so feel free to call me anytime whether weeks or months have passed. I won't judge. Take care G-banger (my nickname for you) xx

Did he respond?

Of course he did!

Haha I AM a g-banger! I may look you up in future, you never know. Really appreciate your coolness with my messiness x

Yeah he's fucked up and he likes me.  It's what I get.

So of course I respond...I was on a bus with nothing to do.

I know right! Yeah I'm like the coolest chick on the planet. One day I'll be recognised for it. Then I shall become a GOD! x

Did I tell you about how we bonded over Star Wars and Buffy?

Invite me to the celebrations ;)

My reply; I doubt you'll miss it. It'll be a party like the galaxy saw when the empire was destroyed!

P.S your ex is a total cow for ruining a perfectly good ISTJ x

He said; She knows it... And give me the Endor tree party any day x

I like to have a final word...

One more thing...High five for the best break up ever. Go us!

His last message: Haha you're awesome xx

Doesn't matter if I hear from him again or not.  He came into my life so I could finally grasp the concepts I ended up sharing with him.  I hope I helped him.  I feel like I did.

Seven High

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS...!

So I appear to have written 15,000 words in the last fortnight.  Yeah I did.  Totally on the home stretch.  An exam, a paper on takeovers, a summer dissertation, and I've got the last undergrad degree that I'm going to do (promise!).

Before I get started...

Warning: I once did a philosophy degree, and this blog post discusses some of the ideas that I have developed from those ideas learned...  I might get bogged down, wish me luck...

As a background to today's post, I'll talk about me for a minute.

I recently turned 35.  Big deal?  Well, if I'm honest, this birthday has been more difficult than any other so far.  I'm single, I've rejected my first career and I haven't made it in my second (yet), I'm broke, and I still don't want children.  I also, for some bizarre reason, seem to spend most of my time with people in their mid twenties, who can only be described as Gen Y, distinct for their constant lack of perceptiveness.  I have more than cognitive dissonance; there is a near complete obfuscation of my identity, because much of the time, my identity (as a rock nerd, as a musician, a nurse, a cynic, a nihilist...) is eroded into their neuroses.  I counter this with escaping from the city very frequently, to spend time by myself near the ocean.  By myself.  Yes, I am in a position of immense privilege to be able to do this.  I remain very, very lucky.

A dear friend visited me here at my ocean nest last week.  Her comment, and I found this to be incredibly flattering, was 'I need to be drama-less, and you are drama-less'.  I realise that I like to minimise the drama in my life.  I blame a great deal of my clear thinking on the fact that I ... have very little drama in my life.

**I have had rather a lot of drama this weekend, which I have tacked onto the end of this post as an after thought, rather than distract from the actual point of this post...

Okay, today I want to talk about happiness

Not because it is something that eludes me, or because I want to tell YOU how to be happy.

I am curious about happiness.  I'm one of those wankers that runs with the mantra that happiness cannot be found or achieved; instead it just is.  Ergo, nothing that you do or say can have any impact on your state of happiness, so you may as well not try.

That is not quite true.  I'm not a fan of the concept of free will.  I think it is misleading to say that we can control our actions, and it is more than misleading to say that we should control our emotions or thoughts.  There is a more abstract concept, however, of primary and secondary desires.  We cannot control our primary desires, such as whether I am going to have one of those chocolates sitting over there, or if I am going to keep reading my evidence notes right now (as opposed to writing this).  We can, however, control our secondary desires.  These are such things as broad decisions over our lives, such as whether we eat meat, or what goals are reasonable and rational to set.  So I might decide to set a goal, and then change the structures in my life to achieve that goal.  This way my primary desires are unlikely to be incongruent with my secondary desires.

These secondary desires, while we can 'control them', are driven by environmental factors.  Such as core beliefs instilled at childhood (like religion), inherited understandings of the world (like arachnophobia), and experiences of systems.  They are also driven by internally driven, so called genetic factors, such as cognitive functions, intellect, attention span.

Well that got a bit complex suddenly.  What I'm getting at is: we don't really have free will, because at both levels of desire, we are driven by what we are.

But anyways, these secondary desires seem pretty interesting...

I sometimes wonder if it is dissonance at the secondary desire level that causes drama.  When these desires become the unattainable, or are driving towards something that is out of your control, then you position yourself in a situation where happiness is impossible.  Well, not necessarily impossible, but certainly improbable.

In other words, if your prime directive in life is to be loved unconditionally by a handsome man, then your happiness is directly correlated with how successful you are at achieving this goal.  Also, when you are not successfully on the path to succeeding this goal, you will also be unhappy.  If you have some doubt as to the quality of the love you are receiving, your happiness is conditional on these thoughts, and you delay happiness until you get a resolution.  If you believe that your happiness is reliant on your complicity with a 'happily ever after' scenario, then you are more likely to tolerate terrible attacks on your body and soul from an abusive partner, because being with someone who loves you is better than being alone.

I clearly subscribe to a different school of thought.  I enjoy delayed gratification, but I will not delay my happiness.  When I was a teenager, I saw that young women (I was private school educated, and didn't have much access to young men, so women is all I know) were delaying their happiness to after they lost that weight and fit into that dress, or after that exam, or after school finished.  While I was generally one of the most miserable humans on the planet during my adolescence (one day I'll blog about this), I still understood that thinking this way is a product of oppression.  I also realised that this extended to all people in society, from my mother and her chronic inferiority complex over the car that she drove, to every advert ever trying to convince us not to be happy without their product.

Don't delay happiness.  Take it.

This is why I am single, and I do not want to look for a relationship.  Because I know that my net happiness is not dependent on the presence of a person in my life.  I also know that my net happiness is not in any way influenced by being 'in love'.  Further, when I am heartbroken, it takes me a really really long time to get over it, and this has a negative impact on my net happiness.  The gamble of relationships just doesn't pay off.   Working and getting paid? A no brainer.  Getting super high marks at Uni, now that is a gamble that pays off.

Getting romantically involved, where the other person might want to also get involved, but there is a chance that they will rip your heart out and stomp on on, but also, you have to make sure you keep menstruating because abortions are expensive, and also have to expend the emotional energy to make sure that person is okay all the fucking time, and let them know what you're doing, and be careful don't hurt their feelings, and are they loyal?  do they love me?  do they watch porn?  is that my problem?

No.

Saying all this, I don't think that a relationship is something that I will always live without.  Some people... well primary desires come into play.  When certain people come along, it is like the stars align, and it is just easy.  These people are so so few and far between; there have been two people that I've met since CB that fit this category, and neither have been particularly available for one reason or other.  It is random.  It is not something that you can find through sheer willpower, or via trolling through every man on Tinder or OkCupid...

So, I choose happiness.  I choose serenity, I choose exerting all my efforts into doing what I do really really well, and have my little fan club of sycophants.  I will continue bulldozing my way through a world that doesn't fit me anyway, pointing out when people try to oppress me into adopting their secondary desires, in my hedonistic journey into oblivion.

NOW! AS PROMISED!

A spray about Jessup Moot, and moots generally

So.  There is this thing that happens at Law School called 'mooting'.  It's pretty much fake court.  You pretend to be a lawyer, you do the research, you write up a court document, you stand up and you give submissions in front of a judge.  I do ultimately want to use by legal training to be a barrister, and this is the sort of practice that you need to get ready for the bar.  It's horrible, but sometimes fun, and great training.  Also, I hate public speaking; my heart goes into VT, my arms and legs go numb, I feel dizzy, and my brain doesn't work.  Saying that, there is a wonderful thing called beta blockers that happily address this problem.  I've done 3 moots, had a bit of public advocacy training, but because of the way that I have done my legal training, I haven't really had time to commit to it in a big way.  I did win the first moot that I competed in.  There were 23 other teams.  That felt good.  Not that it led to any opportunities.  But this is not about that.

So, with my interest in public law, and international law, and public international law, I decided to apply to be on the team for the public international law moot.  I'm about to graduate from law school, I have a relatively light load over the summer, and I really want to consolidate my knowledge of public international law.  Also, I've done the subject.

And I haven't been chosen for the team.  Which makes me really really angry.

I am angry because:

• I was specifically asked to complete an application to compete in this competition;
• There was only six applications for a five person team, which means that I was perceived as the worst applicant out of the six students;
• I am the only final year student who applied, and who doesn't have the opportunity to do the moot next year;
• I was the only applicant who had done the public international law subject;
• I was also the only applicant who has completed all the core public law subjects;
• A first year student has been accepted onto the team, they have 3 more years to apply for this competition;
• Another student was asked to do the moot by one of the mooting committee, and has no interested whatsoever in public international law; in fact, 3 of the chosen students have displayed no interested whatever in public law;
• When it became obvious that it seemed that there was going to be some extended discussion over who would be on the team, I offered to withdraw from the selection.  I did this, while maintaining my keen commitment and desire to compete, but I did this in order to maintain my relationship with the woman organising the competition.  She declined to utilise this route;
• I was informed at 4:57pm on a Friday afternoon before a long weekend, by email, with no explanation; and
• This is not the first time I have been overlooked for younger, whiter students.

I am, allegedly, one of the best students in the law school.  I have 3 Most Outstanding Student Awards, and I was a finalist in the competition identifying the best all around student at the university.  I can write the shit out of any memorandum, my research skills are unsurpassed, I am someone that turns up all the time.  I have done all this in a ridiculously short space of time.  I work really really hard, all of the time.

If the overarching goal was to win the competition, the people making the decision as to team members should have been to put me at the top of the list.  From my perspective, they should be begging me to compete.  I am clearly and definitively the single most qualified student at the university to compete in the competition.  Without my structural knowledge of the law, I cannot see how the team can possibly gain any advantage over the law schools with *actual* interest in public international law.  Without my writing skills, the magic I have at putting together law and fact, the team is seriously fucked.

There is no rational reason that I can see to deny me this opportunity.  All I can do is put it down to bias and dislike, and while some people might perceive this as arrogant, I cannot see any other reason for this decision.  But also, giving me the news, without the opportunity to hear the reasons for the decision, in the middle of fucking swotvac, is just fucking unprofessional.  I cried for two days straight.  Rejection is like being stabbed in the guts, repeated rejection completely wears out the soul.

I don't know what I'm going to do about this, and I'd like to get to the point where I can rise above, and move on.  In saying that... well... my pride is bruised, and my soul just needs time to stop bleeding.

Shannon out.