November Has Come

I had an experience recently and I want to record it, and share it, and be damn proud of myself for a change.

At the end of July I went on a date with a guy I'd met via a website a month earlier.  We'd been texting for a while.  He accidentally sent me a link to a conspiracy theory page and the next thing we're in a nerd off before we'd even met.  Promising.  Good conversation was going to flow.  It did.

We met for a drink.  He marvelled at my chai whiskey creation and we talked non-stop for several hours.  We even high fived each other for having an awesome first date.

And good lord is he hot, better looking than I expected.  Like ridiculously good looking.  He has a bottom lip I could spend hours, even days, gently nibbling or sucking on, despite the Ned Kelly beard.  Such a cute lip.  Such a lovely shade of pink.

Those who know me, know I have a thing for unusual noses.  I don't know why but I like a prominent and strong beak.  His is wide and long, like an overgrown mushroom.  And those of you who know my nose theory, he had another wide and long quality...

So I hit the aesthetically pleasing jackpot!  About time.

But then, he's clever, and funny, and sarcastic, and geeky.  I swoon, this is not good.  I've been dating to keep in practice while I get over my little broken heart.  I'm here to not fall in love but to hang out and maintain my dazzling charm.

But he's my exact Myers-Briggs opposite, and he knows what that is!

Then I realise he's also my equal, a good job, pays well, we both have mortgages.  Finally someone who is good on paper.  Mum and Dad will be proud.

Holy shit Jax, do not fall for this guy...

Just one catch...

He's about to be divorced and has a two year old son.

That's not a big problem for me.  I'm 34 and I accept we have lived long enough for these things to have happened in life.  One of my younger former colleagues is now twice divorced.  Like it's no big deal right?

It's a problem for him.  He's heartbroken and from what I can infer, he's playing the field.

Why shouldn't he?  I would.  I have.  I did.

He enjoyed my company, and I his.  I decided to leave it at that.  Then I realised I'd left very expensive headphones at his far eastern suburban home.  I'd have to see him again.

And I was going to have fun doing it.

We had our last date on a Friday night, still getting to know each other, I could see him surprised (gladly) by my little quirks that were so similar to his.  He said after dinner, "I wish I had floss on me."  I reached into my bag and rummaged around before announcing I'd left it at home.  The man stopped dead in his tracks, "you carry around floss too?"

It was a cute moment.  I'd already made up mind, it was over, whether it was days or weeks, we're not going anywhere.  The dude is too fucked up.  A shame but what do you do?

Early Saturday morning, as he left he told me he couldn't wait to see me again.  I smiled and said see ya later.  He was on his way to pick up his kid, any of the romance we'd shared would dissipate while he was chasing his child around a park.

Saturday night, late, while I was on a date, (I kept my options open. We had no exclusivity agreement) I received a text;

Hi jax (sic),
I am in a bit of a weird place... I had a big fucking fight with my ex today... and I don't really feel right about seeing anyone.
I had an amazing time with you but I'm a bit too much of a mess at the moment I think. :(
I don't know what to say. I've been having panic attacks about accidental pregnancy and I'm worried about my son and more fighting with my ex and I'm just a bit freaked. I'm really sorry to drop this on you so suddenly. Like wtf Graeme* I know. My life has a bit too much drama and I don't want to drag anyone else into it. Fucking blah. Everything might be different in a few weeks but for now I need to try and sort some of this drama out.

*Name changed, of course.  I'm not a bitch and this isn't about him being a dick, because he's not being a dick.

My reply, because on Viber people see when you read messages, so I thought I'd best reply;

Hey dude I'm out at the moment. I'm ok I'll respond more coherently tomorrow. I know what you mean.

Who's a damn ace chick?  Me!

So what does he say?

Thank you xx

Yeah, that's right.  Double x me.

And then I wrote the full reply, this is the part where I'm proud of myself, because I'm rare.  I have epic amounts of empathy in me.  This is why I'm single?  Nah.

Prepare thyself for the coherent response.

What you're going through is a big life event. Divorce, it's right up there with birth, deaths & marriages, although I don't think it's given the same level of respect. It should be. I understand the disbelief you must feel at the betrayal done to you. I remember the first time my heart was broken, really broken. The emotional pain was so strong that I felt it physically; a knife twisting in my chest, hands wrapped around my throat & constant nausea. It'll sound conceited but I was so shocked that someone could toss me aside. Like I'm the one who does the breaking. I'm the awesome, amazing 'catch' in this equation. This isn't meant to offend but I see that same level of narcissism in you. You must have been horrified that your partner chose someone else. That's the wrong choice! How could anyone compare to you? To love oneself is a good thing! I haven't known you long but this is what I see.

A broken heart is a difficult thing to overcome, it can take months or years. For me it took years. I realised something this year that helps. It may sound silly but here it is...there's no such thing as a failed relationship,  instead it's another life experience & with each experience comes a lesson. Once I figure out what my lesson is I can really start to heal and move on. E.g. it took me 4 years to get over someone because the lesson wasn't clear until I realised that it was me holding myself back, not letting anyone know the real me and not letting myself accept his feelings for me. With my recent ex I was 100% me all the time & he loved me for me. It wasn't my fault we broke up, it was his. The lesson I learnt there is that I attract and am attracted to mental health issues! I gotta break the cycle cos I'm enough crazy for 2 :P

You'll figure out your lesson, add it to your timeline (he's into timelines) and move on. Be patient it will happen. In the meantime you have a beautiful son. Sometimes it may feel like a curse because you can't completely break free but he is a gift you're blessed to have.

When I saw you in your home I could see what you're doing. You were with one person for a long time from a young age. Now is the time to rack up the notches on your bedpost. I know dude I've done it myself. It's not going to make the pain go away but it's fun to get it out of your system!

Yes I know I've written an essay here and it's an odd thing for a woman you hardly know to do but I feel like I have to give this to you, that you need it. We may never cross paths again & that's fine.  Sometimes these friendships are mean to be short but intense. I do like seeing you and I enjoy your company. I'm an easy going and empathetic chick so feel free to call me anytime whether weeks or months have passed. I won't judge. Take care G-banger (my nickname for you) xx

Did he respond?

Of course he did!

Haha I AM a g-banger! I may look you up in future, you never know. Really appreciate your coolness with my messiness x

Yeah he's fucked up and he likes me.  It's what I get.

So of course I respond...I was on a bus with nothing to do.

I know right! Yeah I'm like the coolest chick on the planet. One day I'll be recognised for it. Then I shall become a GOD! x

Did I tell you about how we bonded over Star Wars and Buffy?

Invite me to the celebrations ;)

My reply; I doubt you'll miss it. It'll be a party like the galaxy saw when the empire was destroyed!

P.S your ex is a total cow for ruining a perfectly good ISTJ x

He said; She knows it... And give me the Endor tree party any day x

I like to have a final word...

One more thing...High five for the best break up ever. Go us!

His last message: Haha you're awesome xx

Doesn't matter if I hear from him again or not.  He came into my life so I could finally grasp the concepts I ended up sharing with him.  I hope I helped him.  I feel like I did.

Seven High

ONWARDS AND UPWARDS...!

So I appear to have written 15,000 words in the last fortnight.  Yeah I did.  Totally on the home stretch.  An exam, a paper on takeovers, a summer dissertation, and I've got the last undergrad degree that I'm going to do (promise!).

Before I get started...

Warning: I once did a philosophy degree, and this blog post discusses some of the ideas that I have developed from those ideas learned...  I might get bogged down, wish me luck...

As a background to today's post, I'll talk about me for a minute.

I recently turned 35.  Big deal?  Well, if I'm honest, this birthday has been more difficult than any other so far.  I'm single, I've rejected my first career and I haven't made it in my second (yet), I'm broke, and I still don't want children.  I also, for some bizarre reason, seem to spend most of my time with people in their mid twenties, who can only be described as Gen Y, distinct for their constant lack of perceptiveness.  I have more than cognitive dissonance; there is a near complete obfuscation of my identity, because much of the time, my identity (as a rock nerd, as a musician, a nurse, a cynic, a nihilist...) is eroded into their neuroses.  I counter this with escaping from the city very frequently, to spend time by myself near the ocean.  By myself.  Yes, I am in a position of immense privilege to be able to do this.  I remain very, very lucky.

A dear friend visited me here at my ocean nest last week.  Her comment, and I found this to be incredibly flattering, was 'I need to be drama-less, and you are drama-less'.  I realise that I like to minimise the drama in my life.  I blame a great deal of my clear thinking on the fact that I ... have very little drama in my life.

**I have had rather a lot of drama this weekend, which I have tacked onto the end of this post as an after thought, rather than distract from the actual point of this post...

Okay, today I want to talk about happiness

Not because it is something that eludes me, or because I want to tell YOU how to be happy.

I am curious about happiness.  I'm one of those wankers that runs with the mantra that happiness cannot be found or achieved; instead it just is.  Ergo, nothing that you do or say can have any impact on your state of happiness, so you may as well not try.

That is not quite true.  I'm not a fan of the concept of free will.  I think it is misleading to say that we can control our actions, and it is more than misleading to say that we should control our emotions or thoughts.  There is a more abstract concept, however, of primary and secondary desires.  We cannot control our primary desires, such as whether I am going to have one of those chocolates sitting over there, or if I am going to keep reading my evidence notes right now (as opposed to writing this).  We can, however, control our secondary desires.  These are such things as broad decisions over our lives, such as whether we eat meat, or what goals are reasonable and rational to set.  So I might decide to set a goal, and then change the structures in my life to achieve that goal.  This way my primary desires are unlikely to be incongruent with my secondary desires.

These secondary desires, while we can 'control them', are driven by environmental factors.  Such as core beliefs instilled at childhood (like religion), inherited understandings of the world (like arachnophobia), and experiences of systems.  They are also driven by internally driven, so called genetic factors, such as cognitive functions, intellect, attention span.

Well that got a bit complex suddenly.  What I'm getting at is: we don't really have free will, because at both levels of desire, we are driven by what we are.

But anyways, these secondary desires seem pretty interesting...

I sometimes wonder if it is dissonance at the secondary desire level that causes drama.  When these desires become the unattainable, or are driving towards something that is out of your control, then you position yourself in a situation where happiness is impossible.  Well, not necessarily impossible, but certainly improbable.

In other words, if your prime directive in life is to be loved unconditionally by a handsome man, then your happiness is directly correlated with how successful you are at achieving this goal.  Also, when you are not successfully on the path to succeeding this goal, you will also be unhappy.  If you have some doubt as to the quality of the love you are receiving, your happiness is conditional on these thoughts, and you delay happiness until you get a resolution.  If you believe that your happiness is reliant on your complicity with a 'happily ever after' scenario, then you are more likely to tolerate terrible attacks on your body and soul from an abusive partner, because being with someone who loves you is better than being alone.

I clearly subscribe to a different school of thought.  I enjoy delayed gratification, but I will not delay my happiness.  When I was a teenager, I saw that young women (I was private school educated, and didn't have much access to young men, so women is all I know) were delaying their happiness to after they lost that weight and fit into that dress, or after that exam, or after school finished.  While I was generally one of the most miserable humans on the planet during my adolescence (one day I'll blog about this), I still understood that thinking this way is a product of oppression.  I also realised that this extended to all people in society, from my mother and her chronic inferiority complex over the car that she drove, to every advert ever trying to convince us not to be happy without their product.

Don't delay happiness.  Take it.

This is why I am single, and I do not want to look for a relationship.  Because I know that my net happiness is not dependent on the presence of a person in my life.  I also know that my net happiness is not in any way influenced by being 'in love'.  Further, when I am heartbroken, it takes me a really really long time to get over it, and this has a negative impact on my net happiness.  The gamble of relationships just doesn't pay off.   Working and getting paid? A no brainer.  Getting super high marks at Uni, now that is a gamble that pays off.

Getting romantically involved, where the other person might want to also get involved, but there is a chance that they will rip your heart out and stomp on on, but also, you have to make sure you keep menstruating because abortions are expensive, and also have to expend the emotional energy to make sure that person is okay all the fucking time, and let them know what you're doing, and be careful don't hurt their feelings, and are they loyal?  do they love me?  do they watch porn?  is that my problem?

No.

Saying all this, I don't think that a relationship is something that I will always live without.  Some people... well primary desires come into play.  When certain people come along, it is like the stars align, and it is just easy.  These people are so so few and far between; there have been two people that I've met since CB that fit this category, and neither have been particularly available for one reason or other.  It is random.  It is not something that you can find through sheer willpower, or via trolling through every man on Tinder or OkCupid...

So, I choose happiness.  I choose serenity, I choose exerting all my efforts into doing what I do really really well, and have my little fan club of sycophants.  I will continue bulldozing my way through a world that doesn't fit me anyway, pointing out when people try to oppress me into adopting their secondary desires, in my hedonistic journey into oblivion.

NOW! AS PROMISED!

A spray about Jessup Moot, and moots generally

So.  There is this thing that happens at Law School called 'mooting'.  It's pretty much fake court.  You pretend to be a lawyer, you do the research, you write up a court document, you stand up and you give submissions in front of a judge.  I do ultimately want to use by legal training to be a barrister, and this is the sort of practice that you need to get ready for the bar.  It's horrible, but sometimes fun, and great training.  Also, I hate public speaking; my heart goes into VT, my arms and legs go numb, I feel dizzy, and my brain doesn't work.  Saying that, there is a wonderful thing called beta blockers that happily address this problem.  I've done 3 moots, had a bit of public advocacy training, but because of the way that I have done my legal training, I haven't really had time to commit to it in a big way.  I did win the first moot that I competed in.  There were 23 other teams.  That felt good.  Not that it led to any opportunities.  But this is not about that.

So, with my interest in public law, and international law, and public international law, I decided to apply to be on the team for the public international law moot.  I'm about to graduate from law school, I have a relatively light load over the summer, and I really want to consolidate my knowledge of public international law.  Also, I've done the subject.

And I haven't been chosen for the team.  Which makes me really really angry.

I am angry because:

• I was specifically asked to complete an application to compete in this competition;
• There was only six applications for a five person team, which means that I was perceived as the worst applicant out of the six students;
• I am the only final year student who applied, and who doesn't have the opportunity to do the moot next year;
• I was the only applicant who had done the public international law subject;
• I was also the only applicant who has completed all the core public law subjects;
• A first year student has been accepted onto the team, they have 3 more years to apply for this competition;
• Another student was asked to do the moot by one of the mooting committee, and has no interested whatsoever in public international law; in fact, 3 of the chosen students have displayed no interested whatever in public law;
• When it became obvious that it seemed that there was going to be some extended discussion over who would be on the team, I offered to withdraw from the selection.  I did this, while maintaining my keen commitment and desire to compete, but I did this in order to maintain my relationship with the woman organising the competition.  She declined to utilise this route;
• I was informed at 4:57pm on a Friday afternoon before a long weekend, by email, with no explanation; and
• This is not the first time I have been overlooked for younger, whiter students.

I am, allegedly, one of the best students in the law school.  I have 3 Most Outstanding Student Awards, and I was a finalist in the competition identifying the best all around student at the university.  I can write the shit out of any memorandum, my research skills are unsurpassed, I am someone that turns up all the time.  I have done all this in a ridiculously short space of time.  I work really really hard, all of the time.

If the overarching goal was to win the competition, the people making the decision as to team members should have been to put me at the top of the list.  From my perspective, they should be begging me to compete.  I am clearly and definitively the single most qualified student at the university to compete in the competition.  Without my structural knowledge of the law, I cannot see how the team can possibly gain any advantage over the law schools with *actual* interest in public international law.  Without my writing skills, the magic I have at putting together law and fact, the team is seriously fucked.

There is no rational reason that I can see to deny me this opportunity.  All I can do is put it down to bias and dislike, and while some people might perceive this as arrogant, I cannot see any other reason for this decision.  But also, giving me the news, without the opportunity to hear the reasons for the decision, in the middle of fucking swotvac, is just fucking unprofessional.  I cried for two days straight.  Rejection is like being stabbed in the guts, repeated rejection completely wears out the soul.

I don't know what I'm going to do about this, and I'd like to get to the point where I can rise above, and move on.  In saying that... well... my pride is bruised, and my soul just needs time to stop bleeding.

Shannon out.

Trailer Park

A quick assessment of the state of things:

I have spent the last week writing, studying and editing.  I have managed to actually spend 4 days doing continuous work.  None of this was the Corporations Law paper, which leads me to believe that it's not me, but the Corps subject that is the problem.  I think I already knew that though.

Today I'd like to talk about White Feminism

Also known as egalitarian feminism, it ignores the subtle differences between each person, such as weight, colour, education, upbringing; generally context.  In other words, I see it as allowing bigotry, racism, and 'otherness' to run alongside feminist values.  White feminists applaud the banning of Chris Brown from coming to Australia, without acknowledging the nuances of his ban: that men can rehabilitate; that as a reformed abuser, speaking to hoards of young people, can be a seriously positive influence on the dialogue; and the racist undertones of a broadly white society banning a man of colour from entering the country.  I also feel sad.  Pete Doherty, someone who suffers from ongoing, extremely painful, and pervasive addiction issues (now, hopefully, reformed) was given a very restrictive visa for his Splendour in the Grass shows in 2013.  I have loved Pete as one of the greatest poets of our generation, was devastated when he cancelled coming to Australia with the Libertines in 2006, and I hate that I still haven't seen him.  Chris Brown, while I do not engage in this style of music, is surely held in the same regard by his millions of fan.  Also, where is the outrage from feminists about letting Geert Wilders have a visa for coming into the country?

It is somewhat like this horrifying argument that we should not build mosques.  Islam is portrayed by bigoted groups as being a terrifyingly alien set of values that is contradictory to western values, and therefore should not be made to feel welcome in Australia.  We know that this is pure bigotry.  Mosques represent community, and a strong Islamic community leads to inclusiveness.  It prevents radicalisation of young people, through strong leadership and support.  In other words, if you want Australia to be free of angry young Muslim men, build mosques, which are a part of the Australian landscape.

I appear to have fallen off the wagon.  Back onto white feminism.  I am a woman of colour, it is a name that I have recently incorporated into my identity.  The reason that I have is that it has been pointed out to me that my structure of reality is different to white people.  I never realised!  I asked 'why?' a lot, my Ego curious as to why I might be so compelling to other women of colour.  It is quite nice to be told 'No! You're actually special!'; I am aware that this is smoke and mirrors.  But the difference is that as a woman of colour, and as an unconventional woman, I can perceive the systems surrounding me.  I suspect part of this perception is my personality type (though I know plenty of people with my personality type that deny the systems, so these things aren't necessarily inclusive).  I think the core to the perception is as a person of colour (but again, there are people of colour who deny the systems, here's looking at you.  Also, plenty of people of all genders with the opposite personality type to me, who are white, perceive the systems.  So I don't know where it comes from.  Some people just can't.

But anyway, I'm also aware that it is not just my gender that has prevented so many opportunities from presenting, but rather a combination of factors: unconventionality being the prime suspect, closely followed by tall poppy syndrome, not-pretty-or-skinny-enough-to-hire-as-eye-candy, not being a yes person.  It is in combination, because any of these issues would be less of an issue if I was a man.  So intersectionality applies to me, I can see how it applies, and I have no idea how to conform in a way to negate the way that the system works against me.  I get angry and frustrated when I hear people, under the banner of 'feminism', tell us what we should do with our lives. Such as support female only rock bands.  Or grow / shave our armpit hair.  Or dress in a certain way.  I adore the concept of the 'bad feminist', who does what they want, when they want.  I certainly try and live in the world with Wilde in my mind: 'what other people think is none of my business'.  Part of it is coping mechanism; most of it is putting myself up really high moral standard of living and existing.  What more can I do?

One of the choices that I make is to listen to podcasts that could be characterised as white feminist podcasts.  I'm talking about Mia Freedman's company, Mamamia Women's Network.  I get genuinely excited on the nights of the week that the podcast is released.  I have no doubt that some of the feminists within the network are genuine intersectional feminists, such as Rosie Waterland, who is hilarious, and I look forward to reading her book once I have moved past the endless tide of law school readings.  I might even take myself to Asia for a fortnight and just read and read, along with the other biographies that I have piled up in my room (Neil Young, Morrissey).  Oh look I'm off track again.  My problem, primarily, is with Monique Bowley.  Monique produces all of the Mamamia podcasts, and randomly comes out with incredibly judgmental statements.  Such as 'I don't understand what the problem is with Rachel Donezel, surely we're able to express ourselves any way we want?'.  Mia Freedman herself is complicit in all of this.  I know that she has been criticised, over and over again, for her statements about prostitution, or her statements comparing gay people to pedophiles.  But there is pervasive ongoing personal body shaming, and the just... not the same care of language that I – and my friends – and I routinely pull them up on this – use.  And I feel bad for her, because she is so well intentioned.  But the constant slip ups that I hear on the podcasts speak to a louder problem of ongoing and pervasive internalised misogyny.  Mamamia can combat this so easily with putting to air more women of colour, and testing the podcasts against an audience of peers.  The thing is: I don't really mind hearing this stuff.  I roll my eyes in my bed, and have a giggle at their ignorance.  It really is compelling listening, and is analogous in feeling to catching up with school friends (which I never do, primarily because they don't seem to like me much).

On Body Shaming

I do have a problem with body shaming.  I have a problem with people around me doing it to themselves.  But I have it from other people in my life.  I can forgive my mother, because she has her own bucket of issues, and you can't really fight with parents.  But I have recently defriended someone close, who called me 'fat' in passing, and when I pulled her up on it, wouldn't own the statement.  She tried every angle to relinquish the guilt, to blame me, to blame society.  I would not have pushed her so hard on the matter, but for the incredibly standard that she holds everyone else in the world up against.  She genuinely hurt me, and I expect contrition, and a proper apology with ownership of the wrong, when these things happen.  It might be an excuse for me to end the friendship, because misanthropy is just really not much fun to be around.  Also, the borderline personality is so aggressively manipulative, and while I thought I was up for the challenge, ultimately it has hurt me.  The point at which I get accused of manipulation and abuse, not only for expressing my feelings, but also for the actions of my friends... that just takes personal responsibility a step too far.  I like to be able to navigate conflicting personalities, and I don't mind being caught between people that hate each other, although it is terribly unpleasant.  The minutes that I have to take responsibility for another person's action, I'm out.

Unfortunately there were a number of accusations levelled against my personality and integrity.  Unfortunately I have availed the person to some opportunities that involve my ongoing relationship with her.  Unfortunately I'm far angrier now, after the spouted her vitriolic bile at me.  What do I do?  That's rhetorical.

Ok, I have 3000 words to write on something I don't know much about.  Shannon out.

Bang

Last night I was asked to prove the patriarchy

So, instead of writing the paper that I need to write, I dug in.

Here is my (somewhat edited) response

We started by trying to come to some agreement as to what the patriarchy is. In a long winded way, I explained that it is about the right question to the right answer. My personal definition of the patriarchy lies in describing what it is, ie: is it oppressive; and does it serve a patriarchal purpose.  We talked about the consistency of formal definitions, why I reject the Oxford dictionary, how my personality type can accept the fluidity and changeability of language, where others may not be able to.

I then went on to write this:

So, I have some anecdotes about my experiences of the systems of oppression.  Anecdotes are still just anecdotes, and do not do justice to how systems of oppression actually work. But anyways.

Last week there was a negotiation comp at uni. Ego aside, I'll come out now and say that we should have won.  We had the credentials and experience.  As a nurse, I've been involved in some very high end negotiations with some very high clients. This is something that nurses get thoroughly trained at, through the hellfires of the wards. We're very good at talking people around, if you've ever visited an ED or a psychiatric ward you would have seen us in action (NB: thanks to the person that recently reminded me of these particular skills). I entered the comp with another mature aged student, with 15 years of middle school teaching under her belt. That's 15 years of negotiating with teenaged boys and their wealthy parents to partner in the learning experience.

We didn't even make the final. We got knocked out of the competition by these young men who weren't really negotiating. They were being standover men. As in they actually stood over us and talked down to us. The judges, other law students, praised this masculine strategy as 'clever tactics'. What is more, I used assertiveness to try and make them negotiate at eye level. I said: 'do you mind taking a seat, your standing over us is making me uncomfortable'; they refused, instead both stood and puffed out their chests. Marks were deducted for my attempted assertiveness. In other words, masculine aggressiveness was rewarded, and feminine assertiveness punished. Even worse, my partner gave a nervous laugh (giggle?) each time one of the men stood up; this passive feminine behaviour was praised. The competition was a classic example of the re-enforcement of a system that rewards men, and oppresses women, or in other words, the patriarchy.  Therefore, if there had been correction for bias, both overt and unconscious, yes, we should have won.

So this was then followed by my involvement in helping the school run the biggest national moot competition in Australia. Which brought on a whole other range of negative emotions. Back in first year, a friend and I won the biggest internal moot that the school has seen. We beat 23 other teams. Now, as I've mentioned, I'm in my mid 30s, and I'm not exactly ... pretty. Because frankly I don't particularly give a fuck about pretty. The woman I did this comp with, well she is definitely pretty. She was also 21, and the dynamic between us was somewhat similar to that of a mentor–mentee; I helped her with contract law and other subjects.  She is a lovely woman, and while I still have trust issues, I adore her. An international comp came up straight after we won the internal. She was asked to participate, and I was ignored. The boys that chose the students for the opportunity, also students, were young men in their mid 20s. I asked repeatedly for an explanation why; all I was told was that it was discretionary, 'you are perceived as uncoachable', and that was about it. Again, the school was utilising a system that rewards conformity, especially to the feminine norm, and therefore oppressive to anyone who happens to sit outside of that norm.  Yes, I'm still somewhat angry about it, because lost opportunities never reemerge.

Anyway, so this national competition that my school hosts. As a final year student, who has taken out half the prizes at the school, I thought I should have been first to be asked to be a student judge. Yes, I'm non-conformist, I challenge authority, and I ask 'wrong' and often embarrassing questions. But I know the law, I know how to throw other students off their stride, and I made myself very available. The lecturer, instead, asked the students who had been doing their degrees with less brilliance, having completed less subjects, to step in. Over the last 3 years, I've seen penultimate year mature aged students help judge this comp. It has a real outcome on me though. I don't get to hobnob with the other (professional) judges as a student judge, nor get the line on my resume.

The thing about experiencing oppression is it is the accumulation of hundreds of little things, that amount to long term disillusionment. I can only empathise with those suffering the affects of cross-generational institutionalised poverty, because oppression is an awful experience that lingers and lingers...  So I can whinge about not being afforded the same opportunities as my colleagues, but it seems petty, even in light of having a super impressive transcript. I mean. It is literally hundreds of things. Every rejection from job interview starts to feel oppressive. Even tiny things, like being demoted from leader of a 'cello section for someone younger and prettier, feels oppressive. It happened when I was in high school (section leader given to a very pretty younger girl, who ended up being a soap actress). It is constant and painful. Even with my analytical mind, most of the time I can't come up with a reasonable ulterior motive to decisions affecting my life, made by others, that feels oppressive.

Seriously, I've spent a lot of time trying to conform. To be more feminine, work harder and longer. But I've reached a point where I accept my place in the current system, because i'll never have the same opportunities as (white) men, or conforming women.

This is why I am a feminist. What else can I do, except try and change the system?

Shannon out.

19/2000

Okay, this is an experiment

As I seem to have stopped writing in my private blog, I thought I'd give public blogging a shot.

My partner in crime is the delicious and delightful Jax Lee.  I gonna write in an understated blue, and she'll... probably pick hot pink.

Okay, so what is this about? It is not that I think that my writing is any good.  Nor do I think I have anything original to say. The purpose of this is not necessarily to grandstand, to tell people what to think, to stir up discussion, any other reason besides...: I find it easier to write essays if I first get all of the random thoughts in my brain out onto a blog first.  So, strap in kids, you're gonna get the overflow of crap from my brain.

It seems that today I'm writing about: writing (how postmodern! lol), uncertainty, and what I should be doing instead.

I find it really interesting how dialogue in it's written form reflects how the author actually speaks

I have recently edited a tome of an essay.  22,000 words of awesome fact and opinion on good government, somewhat mashed together into what is definitely comprehensible, but not particularly academic.  Of course, with my anal retentive attitude about the legal academic referencing system, I am incredibly frustrated that I do not have the freedom to just correct everything.  But then again, is that just asserting authority, turning what might be a beautiful collaboration into a rhetorical pissing competition?  I don't want that.  I really need to bite the bullet and action that paper.

But back to my original point (I do get off point now and then...).  I have read so much in the last few years, and I love readability.  To criticise the lack of readability of one's own lecturers is a cheap and easy dig.  I would never do that.  Actually, I would.  But I recently dug into the writings of a new friend, which argues that the sovereignty of the nation lies with the Chapter III Courts.  As much as I hate the argument (sovereignty can not be appropriated, and it's status is so, so fucked in Australia, and... and...), it was still nice to read the 10,000 words of someone who lives so far away, and hear their voice through their writings.

Female uncertainty

Oh gosh.  Where do I start; I know that every step of the way, I feel like people tell me to 'tone it down'.  These people range from my dear, dear father, to peers, to colleagues, to employers, to human resources consultants... all of the people.  I also know that I'm not very good at 'toning it down', and that this has resulted in my aggressive misery for long periods of times.

I find postmodernism useful in trying to dissect what is pure oppression from what is a reasonable attempt to fit into society.  Actually, I don't find it useful at all, because it turns out that it is all oppression.  Nothing in 'toning it down' is anything but trying to accommodate other people's discomfort at my personality.  I also know that my personality is not *that* aggressive/assertive, and I'm not the worst person in the world at conforming.  I just wonder... if this personality was not in the female form, or if I inhabited the body of a benchmark male, would I have so many problems with attaining opportunities?  Would I hesitate when applying for jobs?  Would more people say yes?  How much does the fact that I am a non-conforming woman in my mid-thirties put the brakes on?

It is an impossible thought experiment.  Empathy does not reach that far; we actually cannot really know the experiences of another.

Getting on with it

I have a corporations law paper to write, on a topic that I have zero interest in.  The problem is not so much that it is a difficult paper, it isn't.  It is more that any paper that I write about commercial law, or private enterprise, I'm going to be pro-regulation and corporate social responsibility.  The lecturer is a libertarian.  But I'm also a good enough student to want the high marks, so I'm going to argue his perspective.  I won't go so far as to reference the Spectator, or Wikipedia (I know! right!), because, as I mentioned before, I have a thing for the beautiful academic style.  But I will write a whole paper against my better judgment.  The cognitive dissonance though.  It nearly hurts.

But tomorrow is a new day, and a new assignment will be released.  So tonight I'm jacking myself up on coffee, and attempting to be coherent (and persuasive!) about something that I don't believe in.  Wish me luck!

Thanks for reading!

I'll attempt to keep this going for a while.  It should get interesting once I get out of law school and back into the real world.  For now, take a look at my writing desk.

Apollo Bay, Sunset, October 2015

Yes, I'm very very privileged.  Shannon out.